I wish that I loved you better…

yesterday—what a lovely surprise.

But it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who can get this way.,

Sometimes I feel like I was brought into your life to teach you a lesson…
To be someone who could make you sin and sin, and to be a test for you.
To continuously test your faith, to be that struggle you’d always have to overcome.
To be the force you’d have to resist, someone you couldn’t be stable with.
You want stability. With me, someone equally or more unstable, things will always be at extremes.
And no matter how much I want to be with you, I know I shouldn’t. I am unhealthy for you.
You deserve someone with a sense of humor, someone that will appreciate your jokes more than I. Someone who doesn’t put you in misery from the worry that develops from my long pauses and fluctuating emotions. Someone you can just be happy with, to laugh and to enjoy life—God—with. Someone with a faith that can inspire your own. I want to be that kind of person, not just for you but for myself. But that will take a while.
I don’t want you to ever wait for me though. I hope you find someone who will be better for you than I was or could ever be. Someone who could love you in all the right ways.
College will be a new start for you. I want you to forget me, okay? I want you to forget me your first year of college, to let yourself and your heart be open to someone else.
For now (and maybe forever, who knows), this is good-bye. I will be okay, so no te preocupas. It will hurt at first, but I know you’ll be okay. A year without me cannot be so bad—you’ll adjust. C: But after that, if you ever want to finish that bucket list—come find me. (I’m assuming that if you really want to see me, you’ll hunt me down, ahaha).
But until then, thank you for the memories, for being everything you were to me.

I lied to you. Although I am worried about AP exams, that is not the reason why I am sad.
I miss you. Normally, when I’m like that, it’s because I miss you. I miss kissing you, being in your arms, and being yours.

Why do I hang up so quickly after ending our phone calls? You probably do not wonder, as a “good-bye” to you is final.
You are able to switch back into work-mode so easily. If I lingered, the abrupt end on your part would lead me to feeling hurt. In some cases, it would lead you to missing something that I said.
I know, this problem is all on me. But every “good-bye” kills me in the inside; every parting (with/without a hug) is hard for me to bare. The lack of affection and attention (yes, I admit I am needy) has really affected me emotionally. I want you to express how you feel, like you used to so freely. I want to able the unleash my affection. Why does just being friends hurt more than anything?

Although you are cute when you are flirty and all, 1 John 2:15-17. We both struggle, but we both care enough about each other to do what is best. :) And it’s really nice to know your feelings haven’t changed. Yesterday, the kisses. They were a pleasant surprise.

and I hate making you go through this.. I want to be so much for you, you know that. I want to always be there for you, patiently, and instead of making you unhappy because of my mood, I want to light up your world. I want to be what is right for you. after all, I’m the kind of girl who is continuously and forever stunned by how you are still here. I am so grateful for the fact that you enjoy my company. I really am.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. In a way, we are very different people. And that is okay.